Movie Squabbler 2

Guest Article from Josh the Movie Squabbler

Last week Josh reviewed a Hollywood Obscure Gems and today, our very own Movie Squabbler is providing us with his insights in the Top 5 Worst Movies of 2013.


5. Identity Thief

Man, what a waste of talent is Identity Thief. It stars the always reliable Jason Bateman as a mild mannered man whose identity is stolen and the outrageous Melissa McCarthy as the thief in question.

However, the script simply isn’t funny and it has the same kind of dark edge that creeps into Todd Phillips movies to ruin the fun.

Most of the side characters are people trying to hunt the two down and instead of being comic characters; they are hit men and bounty hunters who seem to be acting in a very different movie, one without jokes.

When the funniest thing about your movie is McCarthy’s orange perm, you have trouble on your hands.

4. Pain and Gain

Michael Bay brings all the subtlety of a sledgehammer to this pitch black comic story of a couple of meatheads who do awful things to steal money and score chicks.

Mark Wahlberg and The Rock give it their all as the lead lunkheads but the situations are too brutal and played with too much levity to strike the right balance this movie needs.

It requires the touch of masters like The Coen Brothers or Alexander Payne but Michael Bay’s over the top style and insistence on throwing in the kitchen sink are more suited for his typical big budget spectacle.

3. Grown-ups 2

A truly awful movie that can rightfully compete with the worst of them for Sandler’s shittiest movie.

And that is an insult of the highest order.

The easiest way to describe the lack of quality is that this is a movie devoid of even a shred of a plot or one comic idea.

A waste of time for everyone and especially those unfortunate enough to actually watch it.

2. Only God Forgives

Based on how great Drive was, the last pairing between director Nicolas Refn and star Ryan Gosling, big things were expected for Only God Forgives.
Unfortunately, the only things in common are sparse dialogue and off putting violence.

This movie has none of the slow burn, dark comedy, interesting characters, and great 80’s music of Drive.

Instead, it is dark, uber-violent, and pointless with yet another brooding performance by Gosling.

Worst of all, it commits the cardinal sin for any movie: don’t be boring.

1. After Earth

After Earth is probably the most expensive birthday present ever given to a child – a $130M vanity project Will Smith made as a starring vehicle for his son Jaden.

After a decent performance in his Karate Kid remake, Jaden has taken about 10 steps back and whines his way through this extremely lame action/sci-fi movie while Will’s character sits injured in a downed space craft guiding his son via an advanced walkie-talkie.

The movie is dull, un-inventive, and yet another nail in the coffin of M. Night Shyamalan’s career.



[important]This article in Part Two of a 3-part Guest Blog series reviewing the Gems, Hits and Misses for Hollywood’s 2013 year in Review. Written by Josh, one of my fellow co-workers, who joined our studio from Netflix, and is a real movie buff. When I want the scoop on the latest offerings on the small or large screen, Josh is my font of knowledge.[/important]